i have been struggling to write a blog for weeks. in fact, i’ve started about eight different ones with the exact same sentiment. they are still sitting on my desktop, half started. i don’t why it’s been so difficult for me, lately. i’ll blame it on the dreary weather. it’s been dark and rainy. but, the sun is trying to shine through today. amidst the clouds, it’s peeking out. so, despite the fact that i feel like i have so much to say and nothing all at the same time – something is getting posted. for all six of you to read.
we’re in another season of transition down here. i’m beginning to wonder how long a season can really last – or if at some point, that’s just the way things are. either way, things have changed and continue to do so. for me, when there is a positional shift in a place, it naturally makes me wonder how it will affect the relationships i cherish. i don’t really have answers to that question. but i’m more confident in this community that i belong to then i ever have been. i’m confident that we’re all in this together; good and bad, messy and put together. we’re all here. in the spirit, we’re knit together in a weird, supernatural way. i used to be really afraid of these kinds of relationships because i was afraid they might go away someday. my fear of what may or not happen on the back end of something kept me from blessings at the onset. i’m not so afraid, anymore. i wonder, sometimes. but i think i can wonder without being afraid.
i’m doing a lot of pondering these days. which can be both healthy and dangerous for me. it’s easy to get excited about things, begin to dream up new ideas and possibilities. it’s also really easy for me to look at the enormity that is life and get all super serious, contemplating the deep things of how the world works, why i’m on it, how there can be both good and evil, sorrow and joy. it’s all very important to ponder. but i go into debbie downer mode pretty quick, convinced that the world is, in fact, going to hell in a hand basket. my insides get all dramatic and the voice-over guy in my head comes on. oh, you don’t have a guy that does voice-overs in your life? i do. he probably works part time as a radio-show host. he gets super dramatic on me with life lessons and how i need ot find significance in the flower petal that just fell to the ground. it’s like life goes into slow motion until i slap myself.
but then i slap myself out of it. stand on some furniture to, one more time, remind myself that god is good. always. that’s usually the cycle of my pondering.
my sweet friend caroline gave a really great word on monday at church. yes, i go to church on monday. there’s a chance we meet in a restaurant. okay, fine. it’s a bar. well, it has a bar. and yes, women preach at my church. young women. and do you know what? it’s the best church i’ve ever been to. the worship is incredible, the teaching solid, and the people life-giving, honorable, and sincere. i love my church in a bar. whew. now that that’s all out in the open….
so, caroline preached on how we need to rest. about how when we find a deep place of rest and assurance in who God is the circumstances around us don’t really matter. we can stop spinning and spinning and spinning and just stand with solidarity. what i heard the lord saying through her was, “just calm down.” so, i’m working on that. calming down, knowing that it’s all under control. the lord has it in his hand. all of it. remembering that can be hard. especially in the midst of change, in the midst of watching people hurt, in the middle of confusion and chaos. my thoughts and emotions go all haywire. i get really riled up. and right now, in the middle of it, the lord [and probably some of the people around me] are saying, “just calm down. it’s all going to be okay.”
so, i’ll just be over here. tea in hand, calming down.