if i have wrestled through anything the past several years, it’s getting to a place where i actually believe that i am enough.
not that i will be enough when i figure a bunch of stuff out. not when i get all of my stuff together and stop being messy. not enough in spite of x, y, and z.
just. i’m enough. right now. with all of my stuff.
in as much as i’ve fought to believe i am adequate, sufficient and legitimate the new battle seems to be fighting the lie that i am also not too much…but that’s another blog for another time.
yesterday, the plan was to enjoy a free day with one of my girls. we would have breakfast and catch up and romp around the city for the day. i sat down at mcdonalds, opened up my computer and proceeded to check my emails. a certain email sent me into a tailspin. for whatever reason, one little well intentioned comment got me thinking about all of the things that i’ve done wrong. all of the things i’m lacking. all of the reasons i’m not good enough. and in about five minutes i had myself talked into what a terrible leader i am. what an awful christian i am. how badly i fail at just about everything. and then in about two more minutes i was resolved to the fact that all of my friends would stop loving me. my family would pretend that i don’t exist. and these poor kids that are stuck with me for another five weeks. i felt back for them.
and then. then i got real pissed.
because all of that is
none of those things are true. not even a little bit. i am loved. i am a good leader. my family knows me and appreciates me. i have people that fight for me. god isn’t mad me – he’s really, really proud of me. i’m not forgotten. i’m not a burden. there is a plan for my life. i’m not really lacking anything. and the list goes on.
so, in the span of about ten minutes i had had it. i was so upset that after all of my battling and my fighting and my struggling an email could send me into such a tailspin. so i decided to get a tattoo. a prophetic act that all of the things i’m declaring are indeed true.
it’s the hebrew word for “enough.” it can also be translated as “satisfaction.”
so that’s it. enough is enough. i’m enough.