several years ago i was quite the dreamer, the idealist, and the anything is possible-ist. then i went on the world race. and i walked away from countless situations that weren’t any different when i left than when i walked up. i walked away from people who didn’t get healed, people that didn’t accept jesus, communities that were still impoverished. and little by little i started to get really overwhelmed by the enormity of the world and its problems. if i started to think about human trafficking, orphans and poverty i’d be crippled in minutes. the problems seemed too big and i hated the idea of helping one person at a time. it just seemed extremely inefficient and ineffective.
somehow, over the past few years that mindset has made me pretty jaded. i’ve allowed myself to focus on all of the things i couldn’t do, all of the reasons why god wouldn’t show up, every excuse for why someone couldn’t be changed. and the more i thought that way the more i actually started to believe it. and then i started acting out of that belief. which, for me, basically meant i wasn’t acting on much of anything. i showed up to my nice christian missionary job, went to church and said all of the right things. but i wasn’t doing much. i haven’t been doing much.
and my conversations with the lord basically revolved around the trite things happening in my life and the lives of those around me. i wasn’t asking much of him. probably because i didn’t really expect him to show up. so if i stopped asking, i couldn’t be disappointed by the stuff i didn’t get.
we worshipped a few nights ago as a squad. we were specifically praying for herman. herman is one of the boys who has lived and worked with tony for the past several years. we met him when we first arrived and spent several weeks getting to know him, loving him, having fun with him. to make a long story short, herman has chosen to go back to the life he’s always known. he left tony’s home last week and one of our teams ran into him a few days later. he was high on paint thinner and wanted nothing to do with them. he’s completely shut out the people that care most about him, including the lord.
we started praying for herman and the situation in los pinos and i lost it. i lost it like i haven’t lost it in a really long time. but, i wasn’t upset because i felt the hopelessness or because i felt like god wouldn’t show up. i wasn’t crying because the situation felt like a lost cause. my first reaction wasn’t to be upset or bitter. my first reaction, the thing i brought people into with me, was to prophesy like crazy over him. to speak destiny and life and truth over him.
and then the lord spoke and reminded me what i’m supposed to be asking for. he reminded me to ask for nations. i’d forgotten that. i’ve been so preoccupied with trying to figure some stuff out that i stopped asking for the nations. the thing that gripped me as a freshman in college on a spring break trip to jamaica. the thing that wrecked me for 11 months. the thing that has changed the direction of my adult life. i stopped asking for it.
but a few nights ago, through a lot of tears and a few screams i started asking again. i started asking for big things. crazy things. impossible things. i asked for nations. and i felt like a piece of me that had been missing was a little bit restored.