when i made the decision to go on the world race almost four years ago it felt like the easiest thing i’d ever done. i was a senior in college, graduating in a few months, forced to decide what my next step would be. there was some opposition and raised eyebrows at the thought, but mostly i was supported and encouraged. sure, i was nervous about raising the money and was unsure of who would become my teammates and all of that, but the actual decision of saying “yes” to it felt like a piece of cake.
because it didn’t feel like i had to give much up.
sure, the showers and beds and decent food would be missing. and i would miss my family and friends. but i felt, more than anything like i was getting to gain everything i’d been dreaming about. i got to travel the world, see new cultures, have new experiences and meet new people. for jesus. it was the best thing i could have ever imagined.
the decision for me to go back to the field as a leader was anything but easy. at the risk of sounding dramatic, it was one of the hardest decisions i think i’ve ever had to make. and the impact of the decision still makes my head reel when i try to fall asleep at night. i leave soon. real soon. emotions are high across the board and the reality of my being gone is beginning to sink in. don’t get me wrong. i am over the moon excited about this. i feel like i am finally getting to walk into some things that the lord promised me years ago and i am totally and completely obsessed with and committed to the 23 people i’m leading.
but. there’s a lot more at stake this time.
and today i just need to let myself feel that part of it.
the messy, ugly, crying all day long because i can’t help myself, will someone please hold me part of it.
no, it’s not the showers and beds and decent food. it’s not the fact that i have to go live out of a backpack again. or sleep in a tent again. it’s none of that stuff. it’s the family and friends and life and routine i’ve come to know and love. it’s cinnamon roll saturdays and church on monday nights. it’s spontaneous lunch dates with people i can dream with. it’s staying up late to clean up the mess from the dinner party we just had. it’s phone calls with best friends and coffee with mamas and papas. it’s the routine and the rhythm i have found. it’s the all day long Skype conversations, the ramen noodle roommate dinners. the knowing i’m surrounded by people who are always for me. the feeling at home in so many houses. it’s the little stuff and the big stuff.
it’s all of my life. and this time, it’s just not quite so easy to give it up.