so, i have questions.

i have a good friend who usually writes a ‘stream of consciousness’ blog on fridays.  i love it when she does this.  i tried it for awhile on my other blog but haven’t maintained it very well.  i mean, i should have.  since i’ve got all kinds of time for it and stuff.  but, alas.  something always pops up.

until now.

so.  we were in the big apple last week on bid-ness.  it took us nearly twenty hours to get there. but,  it was a good time.  except for the part where our gigantic van wouldn’t fit in a parking garage.  and also the time we got so lost we ended up at the newark airport.  twice.  buuuuuut. we met with a bunch of really great organizations and people.  charity water and ijm were probably my favorites.  we learned so many great things about marketing and creativity and missions.  i am definitely still trying to digest it all.  definitely.

we just got home wednesday night and i was back in the office on thursday morning.  apparently emails don’t stop coming in even though i’m out of town.  who knew?  thursday night we kicked off leader training for all of our brave souls taking high-schoolers out this summer.  god bless ’em.  so…i’ll be popping in and out of that all weekend.  should be a good time.

on a different note, people keep asking me how my heart is.  like, random people.  i know they mean well and it’s probably the lord trying to tell me something or get my attention.  but, i think that’s a weird question.  probably i think it’s a weird question because my heart is currently on overwhelmed capacity mode.  so it doesn’t know how it is.  i mostly respond “it’s fine.” and then they just stare at me because they know i’m lying.  but that’s the best answer i can currently muster up.  i don’t really have answers.  to anything.

mostly i have questions. a lot of questions. that just grow and and grow.

questions that i’ll probably never have answers to.  but then i wonder about that.  and then i wonder why i can’t have answers.  and then i wonder about the lord.  and this is where it gets dangerous.  because i start to ask questions about the lord. about his character.  questions about his goodness and his faithfulness and his timing and his plan.  but, i think it’s okay to ask questions.  because it means i’m in the process [which i love] of working some things out. but he doesn’t give me answers.  no one gives me answers.  they just keep asking questions.  which makes me ask more questions.

and then it makes me want to scream. but just sometimes.

do you ever have those moments where you just want to scream?  not even in a bad way.  just in a way that you need to get some kind of release and that seems like the best option at the time?  no? okay, so it’s just me.  cool.

maybe i’ll go do that now.

bet you’re real glad you stuck around for that blog, eh?

6 thoughts on “so, i have questions.

  1. no higgs, its not just you. i am with you in that screeming. 🙂
    and i am glad i stuck around. always glad. i love you.

  2. YES. i;d like to find an open field where i can just yell like this: “qopgbcnpuihoghbnvuiafhnuhaibdfadvsnuhbsnhub”.

    so at my church this morning, one of the interesting things that came up in the message (entitled “the king’s silence” – i’ll send you the link once it’s uploaded onto our church website) was that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with asking/having questions, but do the answers matter.

    hmmm. in my head, that seemed like it could relate/be helpful to you where you are… [shrugs].

    [heart]

  3. I miss your face. and I quite understand. I kind of feel the same way sometimes…it happens! but just remember life goes on and cycles around, so it’s not this way forever. case in point… all those late night freak out moments of senior year. a lot has changed – come and gone, up and down, since then. so at least life is lots of seasons… when you’re in one that sucks, there’s always another one 🙂

    ❤ you.

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