sitting at starbucks i’ve been working on and off all day long from this big chair by the corner window. there’s a lot on my mind and so it’s been the kind of day where i check my facebook about 7286 times and click refresh on my email inbox repeatedly. just because it doesn’t take any energy and in some weird way i still feel productive.
my heart’s heavy today. there’s a lot going on in my spirit and in my life. i feel like everything around me is moving at warp speed and all i want to do is scream until it stops moving. instead i just sit in the middle of it while, without notice, everything switches directions on me.
i’ve been acutely aware of how scared i am lately. terrified, really. of pretty much everything. my grandma put it bluntly last night on the phone. i sabotage the potential good things in my life because i am so terrified that the outcome might hurt. it affects my relationships. it affects my intimacy with the Lord. it affects my confidence in my gifts and talents. which affects my job. my hobbies. my attitude. everything.
fear has absolutely invaded every area of my life. and i’m kind of pissed about it. and my kind of i mean completely. because fear is the absence of love. love casts out fear, right? that’s what it says in 1 john.
“there is no fear in love. but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. the one who fears is not made perfect in love. we love because he first loved us.“
at different points in my life i’ve believed these verses and held onto them unreservedly. they are what inspired me to permanently mark myself almost a year ago. but they are hard for me to believe today.
the fear seems too big. i know that’s irrational. in my head i know how ridiculous i’m being. but it’s where my heart is at. scared of the future. scared of certain relationships. scared that the Lord will leave. scared that people will leave. scared that i’m still not enough. scared i’m getting stuck.
so. i’ve got a choice to make. continue to feed the fear. or. step out in faith and into the love of God. into what he has for me. into new places. new places of freedom and intimacy and creativity and wholeness. a new place of solidarity. and that’s what i’m doing.
i’m taking a deep breath while i sip on my white chocolate mocha. i’m fighting back the tears and putting on strength in the holy spirit as i step out. i’m positioning myself to take a risk, big or small as it may seem. even though i’m scared to death, i’m risking things on the Lord. i’m risking my heart on Him. with Him. and i’m doing it because as much as i’m hurt and confused and wondering today somewhere deep down stuck in some hidden crevice i really do believe that it’ll worth it. i really do believe that He is worth it. and that i’ll be all the better for giving Him more ground in my life and heart.
and i guess i really do believe that it will all be okay.