growing up i used to always dress up in my mom’s clothes. i’d wear her t-shirts as night gowns and her night gowns as if i was getting ready to make some grand entrance into a fancy ball. the shoes were too big, the belts never had enough holes, and pants weren’t even an option because you couldn’t get them to stay up.
and i remember looking at myself in the mirror in my get-up. i’d strut myself into the bathroom ready to see my new, re-made beautiful self…
and i would laugh.
not like a giggle. but like a deep, from the belly, “this is the most ridiculous thing i’ve ever seen” laugh.
i feel like all little kids probably go through this same cycle. you adorn yourself in clothes that you believe will make you look like an adult. and then you go to check yourself out and you have no other choice but to you laugh at yourself. because the outfit is just absurd. even children instinctively know that the clothes is too big and they shouldn’t be wearing it. it doesn’t make sense. it just doesn’t fit.
and, well. that’s where i feel like i’m at.
because i’ve been putting on some bigger coats lately. and it’s good and exciting and it makes me feel a little bit more like a grown up. but at the same time, it makes me laugh when i stand in front of the mirror. because the coats don’t fit. they don’t fit at all. they’re gigantic. and it doesn’t make any sense why i should be wearing it. i can feel the weight of the strong cloth resting on my body. the coat’s so big it almost swallows me. it’s heavy and fun and new and scary and exciting. and overwhelming.
i’m overwhelmed in lots of different ways these days. overwhelmed with gratitude for the chance to put on a new coat. overwhelmed with curiosity as to how this whole transition is actually going to play out. overwhelmed with insecurity and restlessness. because as much as i really want to, i’m just not fully confident in my abilities to rock the new choice in wardrobe. i’ve been overwhelmed with excitement and hope for what’s on the horizon. and at the same time overwhelmed at the thought of all of the hopelessness thats operating in the world right now. i’ve been overwhelmed with thinking too far ahead. but also overwhelmed by grace to just enjoy right now.
so. yep. that’s about it. no big resolve this time around. i’m just wearing some coats that are way too big. i’m sure i’ll grow into them in time. and then as soon as i grow into one it will be time for a costume change and i’ll get another. and then i’ll stand in front of the mirror and laugh at the ridiculousness of the whole thing.
my hope, i guess, is that someday the coats i’m putting on now won’t feel so overwhelmingly awkward and heavy. but that they will be coats that just kind of rest on me softly. coats that fit to my form and my stature. coats that i can in fact rock. coats that makes sense on me. coats that fit well. because even though it took me a lot of growing in to, they look good. they look damn good.